At certain periods clouds cover the believer’s sun, and he walks in darkness and sees no light.
(C. H. Spurgeon)
Miscarriages — It didn’t happen once or twice but over and over again. I did become pregnant but couldn’t carry my babies to full-term.
Fears and doubts got stronger with each positive pregnancy test. In fact, they were so strong that I couldn’t enjoy any of my pregnancies. As soon as the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage I tried to shield myself from getting hurt and said that I knew that this would happen.
The first couple of times it happened the words of well meaning friends and family members still hurt me but the hardest part was to see pregnant women everywhere after I had just lost another child.
I went through many doctor’s visits, medical tests, tried new methods and proven and unproven medication always in hope of having another child.
The last two times that I was pregnant happened more than a decade ago. The one before last I was praying and believing so hard for a good outcome. I knew (well, made myself believe) that it would work out just fine. Then, bang! Miscarriage hit again. That was the time I turned so angry at God. Why, God? Why? Shortly after that miscarriage I became seriously ill. That illness was a strong wake-up call for me! But, as my Pastor likes to say, That’s another story for another day. 😉
It cuts like a knife, seeing pregnant women all around while you are not able to have (anymore) children on your own. It hurts to see new moms appearing in the middle of nowhere while you cannot hold and nurse the children you so desperately want to have. And, yes, it’s annoying whenever you face a woman — in person or in a text — that has chosen to abort her baby for whatever reason. But what can you do?
When you walk in darkness, in the shadow of feeling like a “failure of becoming a mom” you can either keep on living with the pain of your broken heart, keep on wishing that some day you will have children, or ignoring your situation altogether…
The pain will not go away until the day you pray, handing it all over to God and believing that He will heal you. He might not heal your body but surely your heart and soul!
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
The next time I became pregnant I prayed — knowing that, no matter what, all things work out according to His will because He knows what is best for all of us, for our families and for us and for our children. Then, finally, there was true peace inside of me.